Kindly Notice Me

By Dina Zuckerberg

As a society, we are brought up to believe that staring is rude, that it is not polite. If you stare at someone, you may hurt their feelings. Often, when we see people who look different than we do we will divert our eyes. Or, we might look right through them, pre- tending not to notice that they stand out.

Our impulse to stare at them might stem from fear or nerves. For me, I think it is more about curiosity, wanting to understand, rather than to judge. We learn at a very young age to categorize people. Are you short or tall? Do you have brown eyes or blue? So, when we see someone who has a prominent scar or is missing a limb, the inclination is to let our eyes linger on this one feature, something we are not accustomed to seeing in everyday life.

Photo courtesy of Dina Zuckerberg

I was born with a craniofacial difference, and as a child I didn’t like it when kids stared at me. I would look away. I did not want to talk about my differences; I wanted to blend in. However, that started to change when I was in my early twenties. I joined a group called the Inner Faces, and all of its members had craniofacial differences like me. Together, we wrote and performed a show telling the story of our lives. For many of us it was the first time stepping on stage and publicly sharing our stories of growing up with craniofacial differences.

After each performance, we had “talkback” sessions with the audience and I recall someone saying that it felt like she had permission to stare and really see us, something that she wouldn’t normally feel comfortable doing.
It has taken me many years, but I now realize that it is naive to think that people, especially children, won’t notice differences. We all have things that make us unique and I think notic- ing them can actually be healthy. What it isn’t, is having a negative reaction to these attributes.

I am the Director of Family Programs at myFace, a leading non-profit organization that helps children and adults with craniofacial differences lead full and productive lives. One of the things that I do is share my own story with students from kindergarten through high school and encourage them to choose kindness and be an active upstander instead of a passive bystander.

One of the things that we explore is how to address the anxiety or distress that some might experience as a result of seeing someone different than themselves. There have been laughs. There have been stares. There have even been tears, but I believe children, while sometimes careless, are not nat- urally cruel. There is one thing we tell them repeatedly, and it has been well received at every single school we’ve been to:

“It is okay to notice someone who looks different. But you have the power to choose your words and choose a kind reaction to difference.”

“It is okay to notice someone who looks different. But you have the power to choose your words and choose a kind reaction to difference.”

We teach the kids to ask respectful questions and use thoughtful words. Rather than staring, or laughing, or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” we suggest alternative questions like, “May I ask you about your face?” “May I ask why you’re different?” “May I ask about your scar?”

We explain that many of our myFace kids are happy to share this information, while others would prefer to get to know someone first, and that’s okay, too. When we say this, there seems to be a feeling of relief from both the kids - and the adults - in the audience because it validates their observations and questions.

But how do you react when there is no time for a conversation? A parent once asked my colleague after a presentation, “What is a kind reaction if you see someone who looks different but it’s not on the playground or at school? What if you’re never going to see that person again, but you get caught staring?”

My colleague thought for a moment because our focus is largely on relating to people with differences in long-term settings. What if you react to someone different on the street? On the subway? At a stoplight? How do you choose kindness if your interaction is only going to be fleeting?

Her response was, “Most of all, don’t ignore the person. Don’t look away. Don’t deliberately pretend they aren’t there. That erases a basic element of human interaction that we all crave.” If you have time, say hello.

“Most of all, don’t ignore the person. Don’t look away. Don’t deliberately pretend they aren’t there. That erases a basic element of human interaction that we all crave.”

And here’s something I truly think would have an impact. If you get caught staring, smile and say, “I’m sorry for staring.”

That’s it. That’s the beginning of choosing kindness. Smiling.

Dina Zuckerberg is Director of Family Programs at myFace.org and is the host of the myFace, myStory Podcast which  can be found on YouTube, Apple Podcasts and whereever else you listen to podcasts.