The Familiar Yet Strange Case of Neurodiversity and Bullying
By Nicholas Bamonte
If you were asked “Is a neurodivergent person more likely to be bullied than a neurotypical person?”, what would your answer be? I’m willing to bet that your answer would be something along the lines of, “Yes, of course.” But why? Why is this such a commonly accepted fact, and is it actually true? It is important, from time to time, to reevaluate commonly held assumptions in order to ensure that such foundational beliefs are still accurate, and to gain new insight into things we often take for granted. With that in mind, yes, multiple surveys seem to consistently report that children who are neurodivergent are significantly more likely to face bullying than their peers. This still leaves us with the question of “why?” Even with the myriad of anti-bullying campaigns and attempts to raise awareness and address bullying, why does it continue? An unfortunate reality may be that bullying is as hard wired into us as a species as are cooperation and unity.
As part of the research into the nuances of human and animal communication, there is the concept of social signaling, in which a creature (let’s say a human) will unconsciously send out messages in the form of micro-expressions, nodding, speed of speech, subtle body movements, etc., which are then picked up, also unconsciously, by another creature which gives information and modifies the receiver’s behavior without them even realizing it. A person may speak with an investor, nodding their head and talking a little louder and faster when discussing the potential of a venture. This displays that they are genuinely passionate and confident in what they’re working on. This, in turn, causes the investor to become more excited and confident that the investment will pan out and alters their perception of the risk of said venture.
“Do we fight bullying by encouraging the neurodivergent to show off and demonstrate that they have value to the group, or is that just appeasement, tying people’s self-worth to the value they give to others rather than encouraging inherent acceptance?”
This concept can also help to explain why so much of human communication and social signals can seem needlessly convoluted. We may have a built-in impulse to constantly “test” those around us, to see if they are “in the know”. In other words, to check if those around us are part of our “in-group” and strengthen the feelings of kinship, or to simply test the social skills of our peers. Human social abilities are one of our most distinctive and crucial traits for survival. There are many animals stronger and more capable than any individual human, but the ability to coordinate large swaths of non-related people into complex tasks has allowed us to thrive and even dominate against what would normally be superior competition. In this regard, social skills have been an essential trait of survival throughout human evolution, and since a group is only as strong as their weakest member, we may have developed an impulse to test each other, seeking out “weak links” and “liabilities” to expunge. Unfortunately, neurodivergence, whether through differences in cognition, attention control, social instincts, or the many other ways it can come about, is often associated with deficiencies in social skills.
This is not an excuse for bullying, of course. After all, despite what many would believe, something being natural does not necessarily make it good. It is merely a recognition of the complexity of the issue and how such behavior, frowned upon so heavily by us as a society, keeps reappearing. I find it is very important to keep in mind how complex most issues really are, after all, I’m a person whose life has been heavily affected by his neurodiversity, but I’ve never really considered myself a victim of bullying, in spite of the statistics.
I really don’t think I was ever bullied when I was growing up. Now, you may have noticed a certain ambiguity to my language. I mean, a person’s either been bullied or not, right? Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. While it is entirely possible that people attempted to bully me while I was growing up, if they did, I never realized it, and therefore, it had no effect on me. Like Wile E. Coyote running off a cliff and only falling after realizing that he’s running on air, my ignorance made me immune to something that would otherwise hurt me. While I wouldn’t say that I was callous and didn’t care about my classmates, I usually focused more on my consistent group of friends, some that I have known since kindergarten. I didn’t really care if I was being excluded, since I wasn’t looking to be included in the first place. And if they were saying hurtful things about me, well I wasn’t really paying attention to them anyway. Sure, there have been instances that could have been considered bullying. There was a kid who used to pull on some stretchy cords on my backpack, or repeatedly ask in a singsong “where you going” back in elementary school. However, I attribute this more to that tendency for kids (and adults, if we’re being honest here) to get a kick out of riling someone up by being purposefully annoying, rather than being malicious. Any other time that I may have been insulted or bullied I was probably being too naïve, and took the implied put-downs at face value, taking the power away from them.
Now, this could just be a very weird abnormality in the grand scheme of things, but I doubt I’m that special or unique. When it comes to neurodivergent people, it is entirely possible that there are many who do not even realize that they are being bullied, at least not at first. As I mentioned earlier, a common trait shared by many neurodivergent people is deficiency in social skills, such as accurately reading social signals and intentions. Bullying is a complex social paradigm, and while it can be very obvious and in-your-face, it’s far more common for it to be subtle, with layers of implication and double meanings. For some like me, this can be a blessing, where ignorance acts as a shield against harm. For others, however, what you don’t know can hurt you, with ignorance preventing corrective measures from being taken, or making things hurt far more when the illusion is eventually broken.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any real advice or strategies that wouldn’t just be parroting the talking points of the many anti-bullying campaigns that have come and gone. I don’t have a “magic bullet” and I don’t think there ever will be one. Is it better to be unaware of a painful truth that you may not be able to change or does that only leave you open to further victimization? Telling kids to be kind and compassionate clearly isn’t enough. Do we fight bullying by encouraging the neurodivergent to show off and demonstrate that they have value to the group, or is that just appeasement, tying people’s self-worth to the value they give to others rather than encouraging inherent acceptance? The simple truth is that there are no straight roads, no single path to take. My strategy of blissful ignorance and focusing on my close friends worked for me, but I’m just one guy. The entire point of neurodiversity is the recognition that everyone is different, and that people don’t all work in the same way. I can’t tell you how to deal with being bullied while neurodiverse, that’s something that only you can figure out yourself, though not necessarily on your own. Maybe we can’t give you a one-size-fits-all solution as a community, but I think that you’ll find that sitting down with the individuals involved and familiar with your specific situation can go a long way.
References
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About the Author
Nicholas Bamonte is a neurodivergent team member of Different Brains. His formal diagnoses are dyslexia and ADHD, though the aspect of neurodiversity that he has struggled with the most is slow processing speed. A graduate of FIU with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, he looks to assist the millions of people who struggle with learning differences and the difficulties that come with living in a world not designed with their particular brains in mind.
